A woman named Valerie shared this somewhat off-colored joke on a prostate cancer blog:
Question: "What goes in dry, comes out wet, and brings warm satisfaction? Answer: A tea bag."
In writing this suggestive joke I doubt whether Valerie was aware, or recalled that all men who go through prostate cancer surgery as I did, whether robotically or open, can only have dry orgasms, and that's true of many if not most radiation patients.
Why do we only have dry orgasms? Because the prostate and seminal vesicles, which produce most of a man's seminal fluid, are removed during prostate cancer surgery. A man's testicles produce sperm and some fluid but require the help of the other reproductive organs, especially the prostate, which serves as a pump driving seminal fluid for the ejaculation of sperm.
Apart from erectile dysfunction that emerges for up to 70 percent of men after prostate cancer surgery, it's the absence of a wet orgasm that some men profiled in my book told me led to their permanent state of grieving. What they and their spouse or partner miss, apart from a spontaneous erection, is the vibrant explosive act which accompanies intercourse.
I'd like to remind you, however, that all is not lost. A reported 2/3 of individuals who experience some degree of ED will sustain erections sufficient for penetration after taking prescribed pills like Viagra, LaVitra, or Cialis.Over 90 per cent of post-surgical prostate cancer patients find they can have erections by using a vacuum erect device (VED), and other means for overcoming ED are available for most men.
Sure it's not the same, but here's more encouraging news: If you have a willing partner, you can experience an orgasm even without an erection. More importantly you will gain gratification accompanied by emotional satisfaction and mutual bonding, if you're willing to expand your definition of "sex" (unlike a certain past president who claimed "I did not have sex with that woman"). And if you don't have a partner or choose to go "solo", it's still possible to have an orgasm.
For me, like a number of men after prostate cancer surgery, the real problem is that my libido or sexual desire fell to an all-time low, due to hormone treatment just before surgery. As my surgeon and this site's medical consultant, Dr. Carey, agrees, that was the worst error in judgment on the part of my previous urologist. My low libido, due to a low testosterone count, persists even now, several years after my surgery in April, 2007.
If you're in the same boat you may well ask, how can a man's libido be restored? In some cases, watching a sexy movie with your spouse can work wonders. Focusing on other body parts - yours or your significant other's, can make a difference - big time! Asking your partner to take the initiative through various methods of touching your genitals and other erogenous zones, can do the trick too.
What's important is that you remember you're the same man you were before your prostate was removed or radiated, even though you may feel you can no longer function sexually as completely as you once did.
You and your spouse or partner would do well to use your imagination and focus more on your romance and other past and current day to day pleasures, as well as your mutual commitment. If you focus on more than just certain body parts, the rest will come!
So maybe Valerie was right. What goes in dry and comes out wet and is warm all over is a tea bag...and by implication, a whole lot more!
Please comment on this article and let me know whether you feel it is too explicit or not explicit enough. We'll be glad to answer your questions or respond to your own experiences as to what works or doesn't work for you. -- Rabbi Ed
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